... with all thats going on at the moment, life is busy. I am so busy with thinking about my options and busy with the children and busy with my hobbies. Life is so busy. I wonder just how quickly things are taking off and how life may change.
Tanya (havering crop and fabby midwife) told me that she studied an acess to nursing and midwifery prior to going on to study midwifery. Maybe that is an option for me. Can I afford to take an extra year though to study? Can I afford not to? And I don't just mean monetary wise, but for the health and well being of us as a family unit and us as a couple and especially me as a mother and my two babies. I wish there was a definate answer.
I have always been torn, I have never liked leaving my children and have always found it hard to seperate from them, to actually trust someone with them. I guess that it's all my insecurities from my childhood and my past that are coming out. I don't want to make any mistakes - as I know first hand how badly they can affect families and our children - even though they appear not to; what has happened to me surely has affected how I feel and treat my children. How I feel I shouldn't leave them or trust anyone other than myself and Kevy. And I know that it is wrong. The last thing I want is to project those fears and insecurities on my children. It's that double edged sword. And on the other edge is, by me gaining a career - it means I CAN show my children the value of education and hard work and in turn achieve things for myself and our family... and maybe gain some of that self worth back that you kinda loose when you have kids - your identity can soon become 'mother' rather than the person you used to be.
OHH all too deep.
So now i'm in a quandry. Im going to talk it over with Kevy later. Of course his mum and dad would have to be willing to support us - or it will be impossible as with me studying they will have to be able to have the children, otherwise we wouldn't be able to afford to do this. It's a catch 22.
My mum returned to study - although I was alot older (I was about 11/12) and at senior school) so I came home to our little flat (at the time) and watched tv and hung out til she came home. I was always a good, shy kid and was pretty trustworthy. All I did was watch crabby cartoons and do homework. I guess it taught me that women can achieve without men - my mum and dad split when I was 7... and I don't see my dad. Seems harsh but I honestly don't care about him. He is a wicked man... Still, i've posted before how strong a woman my mum was, and she was but I guess we all have our faults. She had been dealt a bad hand through life up until that point and her learning kinda turned it all around. It gave her the confidence I imagine she had when she was young and the world was fresh and new. When she hadn't become jaded. New doors opened and she became the mother we had all be waiting for, the woman who had been squashed in for so long. Well, she did for me. I want to get 'that' spark back. For those of you with kids - you'll understand what I mean. I want my daughter to be brought up with a strong mind and strong will and to know she can achieve anything her heart desires if she tries. My mum taught me some wonderful life lessons and she was always there for me. Every minute of every day, no matter where I was I ccould pick up the phone and she would support me. She was wonderful. I just hope I can do the same for Emily and Ben. And I pray that the choices I am going to make over the next few weeks will be the ones that really will be right.
Enough deep stuff now, I promise.
P.s. Nina, hope your mum is ok. Sending you and her my love! xxx