Wednesday, 4 July 2007

Learning....and opening alot of past memories...

... with all thats going on at the moment, life is busy. I am so busy with thinking about my options and busy with the children and busy with my hobbies. Life is so busy. I wonder just how quickly things are taking off and how life may change.
Tanya (havering crop and fabby midwife) told me that she studied an acess to nursing and midwifery prior to going on to study midwifery. Maybe that is an option for me. Can I afford to take an extra year though to study? Can I afford not to? And I don't just mean monetary wise, but for the health and well being of us as a family unit and us as a couple and especially me as a mother and my two babies. I wish there was a definate answer.
I have always been torn, I have never liked leaving my children and have always found it hard to seperate from them, to actually trust someone with them. I guess that it's all my insecurities from my childhood and my past that are coming out. I don't want to make any mistakes - as I know first hand how badly they can affect families and our children - even though they appear not to; what has happened to me surely has affected how I feel and treat my children. How I feel I shouldn't leave them or trust anyone other than myself and Kevy. And I know that it is wrong. The last thing I want is to project those fears and insecurities on my children. It's that double edged sword. And on the other edge is, by me gaining a career - it means I CAN show my children the value of education and hard work and in turn achieve things for myself and our family... and maybe gain some of that self worth back that you kinda loose when you have kids - your identity can soon become 'mother' rather than the person you used to be.
OHH all too deep.

So now i'm in a quandry. Im going to talk it over with Kevy later. Of course his mum and dad would have to be willing to support us - or it will be impossible as with me studying they will have to be able to have the children, otherwise we wouldn't be able to afford to do this. It's a catch 22.

My mum returned to study - although I was alot older (I was about 11/12) and at senior school) so I came home to our little flat (at the time) and watched tv and hung out til she came home. I was always a good, shy kid and was pretty trustworthy. All I did was watch crabby cartoons and do homework. I guess it taught me that women can achieve without men - my mum and dad split when I was 7... and I don't see my dad. Seems harsh but I honestly don't care about him. He is a wicked man... Still, i've posted before how strong a woman my mum was, and she was but I guess we all have our faults. She had been dealt a bad hand through life up until that point and her learning kinda turned it all around. It gave her the confidence I imagine she had when she was young and the world was fresh and new. When she hadn't become jaded. New doors opened and she became the mother we had all be waiting for, the woman who had been squashed in for so long. Well, she did for me. I want to get 'that' spark back. For those of you with kids - you'll understand what I mean. I want my daughter to be brought up with a strong mind and strong will and to know she can achieve anything her heart desires if she tries. My mum taught me some wonderful life lessons and she was always there for me. Every minute of every day, no matter where I was I ccould pick up the phone and she would support me. She was wonderful. I just hope I can do the same for Emily and Ben. And I pray that the choices I am going to make over the next few weeks will be the ones that really will be right.

Enough deep stuff now, I promise.

P.s. Nina, hope your mum is ok. Sending you and her my love! xxx

4 comments:

Tanya said...

Hiya Paula :) sounds like you have alot of thinking to do! Its not an easy decision to make and the journey will be hard, many tears will be shed and you will feel that you are being torn in all directions but it sounds like Kevy is a fab support and so are his parents and this is what you will need if you take the plunge! Most days I love my job but some days I really could stay at home but I do feel that the journey was definitely worth it and I hope my example will encourage my DD to go for her dreams :) Even if the time is not right for you now, it will be one day :)

Sandra said...

Hi Hon. The everlasting quandry of the working Mum. I returned to work when George was only 6 months. Part-time to begin with and Mum looked after her. I found that what i brought home was more than money. My girls got a fresh new Mum every day (and a great relationship with their Nan). Sure I missed my kids and not all my household chores got done all the time. But I loved being just 'Sandra' for part of the day, and not someones wife/mum/daughter. This taught me the time I did spend with my children all the more. Tanya is right, you will need all the support you can get from hubby and family. But remember, there are not many decisions that can't be undone if it turns out to be the wrong course. But if you don't try...

Nina said...

Hi hun,
deap thinkings - I hope you are ok, even though sometimes its nice to but it down.
xxx

michelle said...

girl, it is so hard and you will torn and i think as a mom, you are always torn. Do you work and leave your kids, do you stay home? i work fulltime and i hardly see my oldest son except in the mornings to take him to school and i am with my little one all day until i go to work. I am fortunate that my dad is so great at helping us watch him when needed. I tend to make up for not seeing my oldest one by taking him out on the weekends and making sure the time we do spend together is quality time. But when i have to work a 13 hr day and i have to "tuck" my kids in bed via telephone, it truly makes my heart ache. so, i hope you find a happy medium. one that can make everyone happy all the way around. good luck