Saturday, 14 July 2007

Things are sent to try us...

... as those of you who know me will know already... i'm hopeless at journalling. It's all in my little head somewhere but getting it out is hard. Michelle was SO kind and sent me a journalling book a while ago and as yet i've read it but have not managed to actually get the pencil out and actually write anything.
At the moment, I feel my life's in limbo... I am torn between being a SAHM to my two little ones or going out and training and achieving my dream. And when I go back and read that sentence it seems so easily said. IF only it was. I have realised that motherhood has brought me two wonderful children, two children I would do ANYTHING for, two children who in my eyes couldn't be any more perfect, two children who I look at and think - they truly are my best achivement that I will ever have, two children who I have wild hopes and dreams for and two children who mean so much to me. Sandra showed me some journalling yesterday while I was working that she had written for her three girls to find when she is no longer here... it really brought a tear to my eye (yes, those who know me will know thats easily done too!) but this writing that she had done at 4am one morning on the back of an old, torn, battered envelope was beautiful. It was truly the same thoughts we all have for our children, no matter how old they are... How I wish that I could journal like that. Well, anyhow along with motherhood too has come indecision... I cannot make a decision. I used to be so free and easy with my decision making. Since children I feel incapable to decide anything. And then when you think you have made your decision something goes and happens and you realise you simply can't do it.
I guess deep down I know what is the right thing to do but actually doing it and being brave, facing all the turmoil it may cause would probably be one of the hardest things that I would do. Guess i'm gonna have to be brave...

4 comments:

Sandra said...

Hiya Hon. On the subject of journalling, I've been reading a book called 'What We Ache For' It's about creativity. The chapter I'm on discusses how we should just keep beginning, and how doing something over and over again makes us better at it. Remember that what I didn't show you was the pages and pages (and more old envelopes!) of complete drivel that I've also written along the way. I think you express yourself beautifully here every day. More power to your elbow girl...

Nina said...

Hugs to you hun. I know this is hard for you. x

ally said...

journalling is hard, most of mine is always hidden! As for returning to study i am in exactly the same position. i want to return to study but i am indecisive too!

michelle said...

girl, you think you can't journal, but look at your posts! that's journaling.. the ache you are feeling between being a sahm and pursuing your dreams.. some of that is found in these posts! go thru them and pull from these!