Today is always hard.
Today is 6 years since this fantanstic, fabby, inspirational woman passed away. I miss her so much, you know I miss just being able to pick the phone up and give her a call and know that she was always there to listen to me, however trivial the convo. I miss her sense of humour. I miss her craziness. I am sad that she never got to see me grow, that she never met Kev or met Emily and Ben. And I am sad that they never got to know their Grom.
On this day 6 years ago we had just nipped home to change our clothes after staying all night with her in the hospital. It was like she waited for us to go. And then we got the call. We went back and I saw her. And in some weird way (and it does sound so strange) she was still there. She was no longer fighting to breathe, she was no longer in pain or struggling to live. She was at peace. And you know, as harsh as it is, It's what I wanted. Peace. For anyone who has been in the situation where you see a loved one become not even themself any more, you kinda wish they would go. After 8 days of extreme pain and restlessness for her in hosiptal and months and months of pain and years of treatment before I felt willingly to let her go. My eldest sister could not comprehend my feelings but then she did not live with her or stay with her through all of this. Seeing someone you love so confused, in so much pain, fighting a gianormous battle everyday to cling onto life when her body needed to go was too much to take for her and everyone around her. The decision to let her go, along with her consultants, doctors and nurses was a hard one but the best. And so on Wednesday morning at 9:20am she let go. She was still in that room when I went to see her. As if she waited for us. It was the weirdest feeling in the world.
I saw her later in the chapel of rest and that was stranger still. She had gone. It was her body, she looked famliar like I knew her but there was no one there. I guess that really ended her. When she died she was still there. But seeing her then, she just sort of ceased being anymore. She was gone. And in six long years it doesn't get easier. It gets easier to cope with, to deal woth and to manage but I still miss her as if she went yesterday. I still feel angry about how much she missed out on.
But I am happy too. I'm happy that with loss comes new chapters in your life. That chapter was this beautiful lady.
She has always been special but when mum died she became extra special. She and I really grew together and I guess we quit being sisters and became best friends. And although I think that no one will understand me as much as my mum. She is my rock, my inspiration, my sounding board and most of all so special to me.